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I am in deep, deep trouble and I see no way out of this mess.

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This may be a little long, but necessary to explain my situation and get the best advice possible.

I have been a divorced single parent for 6 years. Barely getting by on my income and child support, but I had a nice duplex to live in, and somehow made it paycheck to paycheck just enough to make it..and get by.

Then I met my boyfriend.

He moved in with me while were were renting. He was having serious problems with his ex-and child support and alimony. He had no where to go. She had the house, so I let him stay with me and tried to help him.

I had already claimed bankruptcy, due to a co-signed loan for my sister that got reposessed, plus some old marital debt. I could see he had a terrible spending problem from day one, but he made almost 100 grand a year, so I never mentioned it and he contributed to the housedold, had two car payments, a motorcycle payment and a taste for expensive foods, dining and electronics.

He lost his job, and ended up with one making LESS THAN HALF of what he was making. His one car got repoed. His ex was getting more money than him from his paycheck. He got his house back from her when she moved. We decided to move in to his house in February, not realizing that it was in pre foreclosure. Any payments we made did not apply and now the house is in foreclosure.

I have three children to take care of and I have no where else to go. Despite the situation, we put our finances into a joint account. Big, big trouble. I have no idea what to do anymore? As someone who went from bieng a little poor, but still happy and paying what needs payed...I am depressed. I am currently in college as well and a manager at my job.

Here our our financials. I keep telling him we can not do this, and he insists it is my money management...either way, I would like some opinions.

My net monthly: 1700 salary
770 Child Support
150 Different little internet side jobs
My Bills:
1 Loan at $156 a month(10 months to pay)
Car insurance $78 a month

His net monthly: 1000 (on an average month)

His Bills:
Car Note $480
Motorcycle $380
Insurance for all $170
Tool Payments $160
Family Program Classes $160
Monthly Doctor Visit $180
Monthly Prescription $50

Cigarettes(yeah..I know we need to quit) $200
His Lunch Money $160 (at least...I don't buy lunch)
His impulse video game and car part purchase: $100
My personal $50-$75 (hair products, toiletries, etc.)
Eating Out, doing small stuff with kids $100

House payment $675
Electric $120
Cable, Int, Phone(And he needs the HD crap) $140
Groceries $600 sometimes less or more (he eats only the best meats, products)
Gas $105
Cell Phone $200 (is high because he had to get a new g-1 phone that needs internet and they split the payment up over 4 bills for me)

So...that is it...and we are currently not even paying the mortgage, due to action housing telling us to stop, because it would not help anything. Now, the kicker is he is always on my case about the bills. He does not understand that his own personal spending exceeds his income and I am lest to pay for the entire household. He says I have poor money management skills. I say, he spends too much, and that I lived with my kids for years and never had a problem. I feel like my world is caving in. I will end up in the street...soon. Can we do it? If so how? I just took his mac card off of him, because he would eat here and there 10 times a day....

I spent my entire tax return on repairing this house before we moved in. I also let him get a 47 inch HD tv. I know it is my fault for allowing this, but now that it is so out of control...I feel overwhelmed. As a consequence of this I had taken out several payday loans to cover overdraft charges in the amount of over 800 dollars. This was due to his frivolous swiping of the ATM card and not cionsulting me for purchases. Now I have those to pay...and I don't even tell him, because he thinks I should be able to pay these bills when they need paid and I am a mess. He wants nothing to do with the finances.

I need this straightened out before i go crazy?

What is the first step?

Is there even a first step?

Oh, and he just got served with a civil suit for 3800 dollars from his aunt, who had lent him money to pay for his divorce lawyer. He wants to claim chapter 13, but how on earth can we come up with 2500?

Here is the first thing you should do:


Sub: #1 posted on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 18:16


I'm not trying to be mean, but I agree with P2. If you not married to this guy, I think you might be better off without him, not just because he is in over his head, but he is putting all the blame on you, and he will probably never realize that he is part of the problem, so things will never change, even if you find a solution for help you now, in the future he will probably continue with his same spending habits. I wish you the best of luck, I know it easier said then done and its easy for people to sit back and say I would do this or I would do that. But seriously think about, what might happen in the future.

Sub: #2 posted on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 22:08


Kick him to the curb. Protect those children and get rid of this guy. There is no possible way a warm body to call honey is worth the well being of these children.

Sub: #3 posted on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 22:44


First of all-separate your finances. You pay all of your bills and none of his-period. Do what you can to start a rat hole fund and keep it AWAY. Do not put it in an account. Do not mention it to anyone-this will be your life line.

How long have you lived together? Are you considered common law in your state? If you are, and there is anything that he has charged since you've been together, it might come back to haunt you. Look into the laws and find out your rights.

Do not pay for his cell phone. Do not pay for his groceries-show him the list you have put on here in writing, it might open his eyes.

Now you have to decide. Is it worth the problems of wondering if you have a place to live? As a single parent, there are many options out there for you. You can get help until you get on your feet. They are hard and humbeling steps, but in the long run, it will be well worth it to know that you and your children will be safe and that you will be able to survive without going to the poor house.

For several years, my h and I raised our 4 children on less than $2000 a month with a $588 mortgage and our total bills before groceries were $1758 a month. We didn't eat like kings, but we did not go hungry by any means. You need to look into frugal cooking ideas and ways to stretch your grocery budget.

Good luck, and you will find a lot of helpful and useful advise on here to help you learn and come out of this with your financial head on strong.

Good luck,

Sub: #4 posted on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 23:10

chrissytex446 chrissytex446

(Posts: 50 | Credits: 10.66)

Thank You...It is a lot easier to say that than to actually do it. I keep hoping it will get better, through communication. The thing is I don't buy things I don't need and I don't need anything fancy. He seems like he is getting better with the spending, but something has got to go! I mean, how do you expect to have champagne taste on a cheap beer budget? Why do you need this car, these things? While I sacrifice. Anyways...I have a lot to consider. These forums are very helpful.

Sub: #5 posted on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 23:23


If I understand you correctly the house is in his name, not yours. Seperate your finances from his and start making plans to get your own place. It's actually good that you don't have to make payments anymore. Stop spending money on all non-essentials. If you have relatives or friends that you can impose upon for a few months stay with them and save every penny you can. What's most important is keeping a roof over your kids heads. Good luck.

Sub: #6 posted on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 02:57

msmith627 msmith627

(Posts: 2 | Credits: 0.66)

Get the hell out of there, get an apartment of your own. He is using you and taking advantage of the apparent LOVE you must have for him. Sadly, I have to say, from what you have said, HE doesn't love you or he would be trying to help you and NOT demanding for all his selfish needs and wants.
He sounds very childish, and you are doomed with him. I am speaking from experience. If you are sharing a life with someone who loves you, they will want to HELP you and have a good life together, not for their own SELFISH wants.

I am sorry to say all this to you, but when I read this I thought, " oh lord, I know exactly what she is feeling, and girl you are being taken for a ride"

Sub: #7 posted on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 09:10


REDIRECT efforts to U S BANKRUPTCY COURTS' - Trustees - Approved Debt Management programs nationwide. ONLY ones approved by them and you can even deal with some ONLINE and get super deals on reduction of the interest rate LOWER than 50%. Remember YOU CAN ONLY GET THIS via the real U.S. Bankruptcy Court's - Trustee at their website.
Be patient in you review of the website and ignore the BANKRUPTCY filing parts and look for the Board of Trustees.

If you DO click on Bankruptcy, then look for "What are the preliminary steps BEFORE filing bankruptcy". There it shows how to avoid bankruptcy if you can and how to contact these Trustee ONLY Approved Debt Management Programs (They are the ones that issue the certification of participation in Debt Management training BEFORE a person can file. It's Federally controlled and therefore no frills. I believe two of them are Mova (spelling) and Pioneer. They also have some that work with you via the internet. Pioneer is really good and ALL have low affordable fees that even low income people can afford.

Sub: #8 posted on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 10:09


You have to leave this guy and get help immediately.

So you are divorced and having a hard time making ends meet.

You meet a guy, who by the way makes 100K. Since you don't speak of the development of the relationship prior to co-habituating it's safe to assume the motivation.

Why and how? Well, for one, if you weren't such an opportunist you would have read the signs that this dude was no good and dropped him before a relationship could develop. And my second argument is, who the hell moves in a guy who is a stranger to you by rationalizing he has no place to go? Come on. Can we say blinded by the shiny light of $$. Either way, you were more worried about how this guy may be a financial asset and look what happened - he became a huge burden.

Kids, college, work -- scarcity of time and money. Dating should have been the last thing on your mind or even so you should have been really cautious. In relationships, the rule of thumb is to NOT get involved with someone who has more baggage then yourself and to make efforts yo really know who you are getting involved with before taking huge leaps of trust.

I love how you come on here looking for help while blaming this guy for your current problems when they are a result of your own delusions. This guy is a mess, a loser, and who knows what else but YOU chose to be with him and remain with him.

"He lost his job, and ended up with one making LESS THAN HALF of what he was making."

Typical. No one have wants to realize their own mistakes and are quick to blame others.

It was one thing to live with this guy and trust this stranger but completely unforgivable to have a joint account and not be married knowing the trouble that surrounded both of you. No escape route if things went bad.

You made the bed you lie in. The thing is to accept your situation and get help which you have taken the first steps by coming here.

I hope you start to take responsibility for your own actions and realize that you should not go out expecting to find a guy willing to bail you out of your financial hardship.

I don't tolerate men bashing.

Best of luck.

Sub: #9 posted on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 22:36


Every one of us on this forum, who have been and still are in deep trouble, got there because we all said to ourselves, "I keep hoping it will get better." It doesn't. It won't. Not until you make some hard choices, and put you and your kids first, because it sounds like he isn't going to be the one to do that. Heavens, girl, you have children to think about. Do what's right for THEM, not this guy, who's dragging you even further down. Best of luck to you.

Sub: #10 posted on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 02:09

SusieQ SusieQ

(Posts: 302 | Credits: 34.59)

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